


Smol Oblivious Riddler

by OnyxSphynx



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Barbara is a giver of advice, Cute, Drunkenness, Ed doesn't get people, Ed is clueless, Ed is his chief of staff, Everything is Beautiful and Nothing Hurts, Fluff, Jim is King of Gotham, M/M, Multi, Oblivious Ed, Oswald is his righthand man, Polyamory, Proposals, Sweet, besides Ed, dating without knowing it, everyone knows they're dating, or social cues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-29 02:55:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14463477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnyxSphynx/pseuds/OnyxSphynx
Summary: Ed is not a people person. He doesn't get social cues. But surely, surely, he's not so out of it so as to not realize that he's been dating Oz and Jim for over half a year, right?





	Smol Oblivious Riddler

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Fellas](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14076309) by [angelsandbrowncoats](https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelsandbrowncoats/pseuds/angelsandbrowncoats). 



> Heavily inspired by Fellas(go check it out it's really good),, my own opinion that Ed is a smol oblivious bean and two prompts somewhere idk where but one was basically "oh god how do i say this i acidentally killed one of your men- why are you laughing?" and the other was basically "wait what we were dating?"

"...forty grand," some higher-ranked gangster is reporting to the man at the head of the table- James "The Executioner" Gordon, King of Gotham's underworld. Ed isn't really paying attention, instead mentally mapping out how to perform a heist of a famous, multi-million dollar portrait that looks incredibly similar to him. He wants to hang it up in his living room, but he doesn't want to get caught, which means he'll have to outsource to a forger. 

The only reason he's at this meeting instead of just paying his...ah, taxes to the King via a tax-collector like the other lower-level criminals is that he may or may not have accidentally killed the tax-collector responsible for his sector- though who can blame him? He had a sign clearly displayed on his safehouse's door warning that anyone who entered would die, gruesomely by his hand, so it's not really his fault-  and as such, he knows that, if he wants to survive, he'll have to seek audience with the King, beg for forgiveness and such. He'll probably also have to pay a heavy apology sum, but, well, ç'est ce que ç'est.

Eventually, though, the meeting comes to an end, the others filing out, and amongst the mess, Gordon disappears. Bridget "Firefly" Pike and her partners, Selina "Cat" Kyle, and Ivy "Poison Ivy" Pepper leave last, chatting animatedly about something or other, and they pull the door closed behind them, leaving Ed awkwardly sitting in the shadows. "Excuse me, sir, you must go now," there's a hand on his shoulder, insisting.

"Ah, sorry," he apologizes, "But I actually have an appointment?" The woman, short blond hair cut in an elegant bob, raises an eyebrow disbelievingly.

"Alright," she says doubtfully, "Follow me." She leads him out and down a hallway to an unmarked door and cracks it open. "Jim, you have someone here to see you!"

"Well, send them in, Barbara," comes the reply and the woman- Barbara Kean, he remembers, co-owner of  _Sirens_ \- rolls her eyes and mutters something under her breath but lets him in without- much- more complaint. 

It takes a minute for Ed's eyes to adjust to the unexpected brightness- usually, things are so dimly lit- but when they do, his eyes settle on the large wing-backed chair facing the fireplace. James Gordon turns to face him, and Ed instinctively tips his hat and dips a small bow.

"M'lord," Ed says, respectfully.

"Oz, would you mind getting us some coffee?" Gordon asks the man by his side. "You know how I like it," he says, and a small smile blooms on the raven-haired man's face.

"Of course, James," he returns and makes his way past Ed.

"What is your name?" Gordon's question pulls him away from his admirings of the paintings above the fireplace.

"Edward Nygma, sir," he says, fiddles with the brim of his hat. "I, oh dear, how do I put this," he wonders, "Tom Dougherty, he, ah, well, sir, Isort'vemay'vekilledhim?" it comes out in a rush and the room's silent.

Then, Gordon doubles over, shaking, and gasping. Ed wonders if he's having an asthma attack, but no, the tears in his eyes and the way his lips twitch would indicate that he's actually laughing.

Gordon sits back up after a bit, eyes twinkling. "I'm so- so sorry, Mister Nygma, it's just," he wipes an eye, grinning, "Good lord, I absolutely  _loathed_ that man- as a matter of fact, I really should be thanking  _you_."

Ed is floored. "So...you don't want to kill me?" he asks.

" _Kill you_?" Gordon repeats, "No- of course not! Actually," he snaps his fingers, "I should hire you!"

"I believe your Chief of Staff was recently  _dismissed_ ," the man from earlier speaks, and Ed wonders how long he's been standing by the door, a tray of coffee and sandwiches in hand.

Gordon grins once again. "How does that sound, Mister Nygma? Would you like to be my Chief of Staff?"

Ed thinks about it for a minute before shrugging. "Sure, why not? It's not like I have anything better to do."

* * *

 Somehow, in eight months Ed goes from being Mister Nygma, Chief of Staff to just Ed, and James Gordon from Mister Executioner or sir to Jim. During that time, Ed familiarizes himself- more than he already has, which is a good amount- with the underworld, gathers little bits of useful information on anyone and everyone, which goes in with the bi-weekly reports he delivers to Jim.

Oswald is a Godsend during that time- helping Ed to acclimate, but mostly just mother-henning and slowly but surely improving Ed's wardrobe. It starts when Ed has a minor meltdown- he's slated to appear, for reasons unknown, along with Jim at a charity event in three days, and all he owns are jumpers, cardigans, bowler hats, and beige and brown slacks. 

"Oh God, Oswald, what am I going to  _do_?" he moans, staring at the ceiling, "I can't very well appear at a formal event like  _this_!" he gestures to himself morosely. Oswald mumbles something under his breath that sounds like 'I doubt James would care' but Ed must've misheard him. After all, Ed needs to prove to Jim that he's useful, and one can hardly be of any use if one can't even  _dress_ properly.

"Right, we're going shopping," Oswald announces the next morning, plying a sleepy Ed with coffee as Jim looks on, amused, if absolutely clueless about what's going on.

Oswald ushers Ed to his room, orders him to dress in the most formal manner he can, and then, along with Victor Zsasz, drags him off to various shops. At the end of the day, Ed feels like he's been measured within an inch of his life, poked with pins, and fitted for a couple dozen outfits, and to top it off, Oswald insists that his hats look atrocious with all of the outfits, and announces that, from now on, he's banned from wearing them in public.

"But-!" Ed protests and Oswald shushes him while Victor looks on in amusement.

It does pay off, though, as when The Day comes, he dons a nice green suit, tie, and black blazer. Ed is nervous, stomach rolling, and he's hyperaware of the way the custom-made clothes rub- softly, softly- against his skin. He stands outside Jim's door, nervously tugging at his tie despite Oswald's earlier assurances that he looked, quote, "marvellously dashing." The door opens to reveal Jim. He's wearing a black dress shirt, black pants, polished black shoes and a black leather jacket, hair slicked back, looking like he's stepped straight- though straight might not be the correct word, the tabloids would argue- right out of a fashion magazine.

"You look nice," he comments, presses a kiss to Ed's cheek. That's another thing that's new, but not uncomfortable. Ed knows that Jim is a tactile person who loves to shower those close to him with affection, and he figures that this is just another way Jim shows affection. Plus, it's not as if it's uncomfortable- on the contrary, it makes Ed feel warm, valued, wanted.

"Thank you, Mister Gordon, as do you- I wouldn't be surprised if the women fall over themselves for you," he teases, and for a second Jim's expression grows stormy before smoothing out.

"Nah, they wouldn't dare," Jim replies. Ed assumes he means that Jim is to busy to pursue any sort of relationship. "Shall we?" Jim offers his arm and Ed flashes a grin, slips his arm through Jim's.

His stomach does cartwheels, but he no longer feels like throwing up.

* * *

Later, they stumble back, giggling semi-drunkenly, Ed far moreso because, no matter what he insists, he has a very low alcohol tolerance and after his second glass of wine- somewhere around midnight, he's surprised he held out that long- and Jim, who's just this side of tipsy suggests they play Go Fish, but every time someone gets a match, the other has to drink.

Ed blinks, considers it for a moment, asks, "Don't you need at least three people to play Go Fish?"

Jim opens his mouth, shuts it, opens it again. "You have a point," he admits, "But who would play Go Fish with us at quarter to one in the morning?"

"Oswald would," Ed states matter-of-factly, "And he drinks to rival you."

Jim's face lights up, delighted, and he shouts, "Edward Nygma, you are a genius! Go get Oz while I find our deck of cards."

That's how, five minutes later, Ed knocks on Oswald's door and props himself up against the door-frame to wait. Minutes- or hours, Ed can't tell- later, the door opens and there's a startled "oof!". Oh. Well, apparently he was leaning on the door, not the door-frame.

He smiles sunnily up at Oswald, who's caught him before he hit the ground. "Come play Go Fish with us?" he begs, widening his eyes.

"Why the hell not," Oswald says, and Ed grins and smacks a sloppy kiss to his cheek.

"You're the best," he cheers and skips off back to the living room, dragging Oswald behind him.

Somewhere along the line someone- possibly Oswald, probably Jim- actually looks up the rules of the game and notes that whoever gets a match has to kiss the people drinking.

By this point, Ed is too drunk to care if it's actually a rule and simply obligingly presses a kiss to Oswald's, then Jim's lips when he gets a match. Once they use the entire deck with a two-way tie between Oswald and Ed, the bottle of vodka- Oswald's choice- is half done and Ed is having a hard time standing.

Jim, who's slightly less drunken, shakes his head and picks them both up, carrying them to Oswald's bedroom, which has the largest bed, and settles Ed down between him and Oswald, who takes Ed rolling over onto him less than kindly.

The next thing Ed knows, his alcohol-saturated mind's urging him to make out with Oswald after the bird-like man hits him with a pillow, then with Jim. It's not unpleasant- actually, scratch that, it's very pleasant- as is what follows, as well as very stress-relieving.

* * *

It happens five months later during tea. Generally, Ed just ignores whatever commotion Oswald or Jim make, but this time, he doesn't.

Because he was just proposed to, twice. Which can only mean one thing: he's unknowingly been in a relationship with not one, but two people. Ed knows his people skills suck, but up until that moment, he frankly had no idea just how bad at social cues he was.

Ed breath stutters to a halt and his mind panics. "Forty-eight hours," he asks, "Give me forty-eight hours."

Six hours later and, after looking through the tabloids from the last half year, it would appear that the public and the press were both convinced they were dating. Well.

He calls Barbara, who picks up on the second ring. "What's up, Ed?" she greets.

"Barbara, am I gay?" he asks, words spilling from his mouth like water down a waterfall.

"What," she asks, deadpan, "Are you talking about? You're dating both Jim and Ozzie- I'd be surprised if there was a single straight molecule in your body."

Ed laughs hysterically. "They just proposed to me, Barbara!" he says.

"Congrats!" she exclaims, "Am I invited?"

"Barbara," he says quietly, "I didn't even know we were dating."

There's a burst of laughter at the other end. "Sorry Ed," she apologizes. "But do you love them?"

He thinks on it for a moment before his eyes grow wide. "Barbara, I'm in love with Oswald and Jim," he says disbelievingly. "What do I do?"

"Say yes, you dork," she replies fondly, and hangs up, leaving Ed holding the phone loosely. He calls a cab, mind made up. He will say yes, but first, he needs rings. 


End file.
